i’m here laying in bed and i feel the weight of the world on me right now. all the pain that surrounds me, i feel it. i’m not exactly sure why what has happen in Zach’s family has impacted me so much, because it’s not my loss to grieve over. but i’m feeling the pain and it stings. 

all i want to do right now is hold Zach in my arms. i want to hold him as he cries, and i want to cry with him. his father was such a lovely man and i’m so honored to be able to say that i was one of the few friends of Zach’s that had the chance to meet him. i guess my real problem is that i know Zach is hurting on the inside and his world has changed. more than anything i just want to change that and i know i’m helpless. i can’t believe he’s dropping out of school to take care of his family. forced to grow up and be the man of the house and all i want to do is stand by his side. 

i’m feeling so crazy right now for feeling this way, but every time i think about it, i get extremely emotional and break down. i almost feel like a terrible person because i’m going about my days normally smiling and laughing, and he’s in Texas by his moms bedside in pain. Wana told me that he might be in town for Thanksgiving and i broke down while i was on the phone with her. i desire nothing more than to see Zach right now. i wanna give him the biggest hug. 

whelp, that felt… awesome. last place i really expected to vent. the only place where i feel like i won’t be seen as crazy. 

my grandparents exchanging vows on their 50th wedding anniversary. i hope to have someone as amazing and beautiful as this one day <3   

i look in the mirror, and i’m literally disgusted with myself. how could i be so stupid to actually believe for one second that i was dealing with the good guy? that he would actually care about me and learn to love my flaws? that someone would actually stick by my side? i’d rather him put his hands around my throat than him tell me that our friendship is over. that he never cared about me. that he hates me. i hate fighting with him. and i’m losing it. i feel like i have nobody. at all. 

how will i ever move on anyways? say i meet someone special in college. how selfish would i be if i actually let someone get close to me. like me. care about me even. i’m disgusting. i’m corrupt and full of guilt. i’m cover in sin. why would i ever let someone hold my hand or even kiss me? how could i ever do that knowing the HUGE mistake i made. i’m full of regret. he was a mistake that can never be undone. and that’s the first time i’ve ever said that. if he never cared like he said he did, and my friendship never meant anything… than i was used. i was worthless. i was a tool. nothing full of worth. 

after everything that has happened to me. between being pressured, giving myself away, and having my heart literally torn out of my chest twice… i’ll never be able to open myself up again. anyone to love me, will regret it. anyone to find me of worth, will one day find me worthless. because i made that mistake, i’m corrupt. i’m disgusting.

you have a way of coming easily to me.

and when you take, you take the very best of me.

so i start a fight cause i need to feel something.

and you do what you want, cause i’m not what you wanted. 

*oh, what a shame. what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.

just walk away, no use defending words you would never say. 

now that i’m sitting here thinking it through, i’ve never been anywhere cold as you.

you put up walls and paint them all shades of grey.

and i stood there loving you, wishing them all away.

and you come around with a great little story,

of the mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

you never did give a damn thing, honey, but i cried and cried for you.

and i know you wouldn’t have told nobody if i died for you. died for you.

*oh, what a shame, what a rainy given to a perfect day.

every smile you fake is so condescending counting all the scars you made.

now that i’m sitting here thinking it through, i’ve never been anywhere cold as you.

don’t make me hate you like I hate him…

i don’t know if this is suppose to be “cute” or “adorable”… but i don’t think it is. it’s actually sad to me. and to be honest, it reminds me of two people that i know. and it describes their relationship perfectly. 

when my closest friends started leaving, i would cry for a good day and then feel completely fine the next day. i’ve been super frustrated with this feeling for quite sometime because i thought i would cry a lot more than that. but now that leaving for myself is getting closer, i’m shutting down. 

i’m cleaning out my room right now. memories that i want to come back to life are not only haunting me, but memories that i actually forgot about are coming back to haunt me. i’m finding notes that cody wrote me, and birthday cards brie & allie gave me on my 10th birthday. i’m finding taco bell packets that colin threw at me, and pictures of my cheerleading days. i’ve never been the one to say that i hated high school. but i’ve also never been the one to say that i absolutely loved it either. but honestly, i loved it. i’m not going to lie. i think i’ve had the well rounded high school experience. of course i had some really hard times that i dealt with, but teenagers struggle. people struggle. every human being has a be story behind them that makes them who they are. some people have more than others. i just so happen to have many as well and will look forward to making many more memories and having stories to make up me and who i am. friends i’ve made. places i went. hard times i had. good times i had. 

last night, i continued to toss and turn thinking about you. i was working myself up over the fact that you’re gone. it’s been over a month since i last saw you, and the images are no longer as strong. i’m forgetting what it’s like to kiss you, to look in your eyes. i’m forgetting what it’s like to feel your arms around me, what your laugh sounds like. seeing you flash your guilt smile, seeing the cute little freckles that are barely noticeable on your nose. and i’m laying in bed tearing up. i’m sad because i’m wondering if i’ll ever see you face again. i’m realizing that i’ll never kiss you again. i’ll never hold your hand again. i’ll never get to lay in my front yard with you and just talk about life with you again. it’s all coming to me suddenly of how much i miss you. and it hurts a lot more than i thought it would. 

i dreamed about you last night. i dreamed that i was at your new house being welcomed by your family. it was actually weird rather than happy because most of the dream i hung out with your sister. and your mom and i played dress up.     Dreaming about you sucks. because then i wake up realizing that all of it was not real. i desire to be around you so much because you are all i know. you are what makes me comfortable. aside from miles, you’ve been around the longest and i just can’t shake off the feeling of wanting you. 

anytime i see something on facebook or twitter that’s new, my heart literally drops. i have no clue why either because it’s over the littlest stuff. i guess it’s all because of change. and change i cannot handle. today, you changed you facebook profile and i did not like that. why? i have absolute no clue. change i suppose. your sister posts pictures of you guys on instagram and i don’t like that. why? i have no clue. it’s silly, it’s little, and it’s incredibly beyond belief…  STUPID. but i don’t like it. i break down. i cry. my heart drops. it’s all… so dumb. i just want to rewind time. i want to be around what i know. i want to be around you. i want to be comfortable.